I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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