Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
