i already hear my dad disowning me
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
