she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
