I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I just gargled with NyQuil
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
