Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
