it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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