Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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