Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
