Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
you traded sex for a burrito?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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