Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
