she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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