I want to make a zoo with you.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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