I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
