Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
