Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
