two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
