My Higher Power is John Stamos
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
