Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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