dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
