butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
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