Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
