The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
