i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
