I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
