I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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