I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
