So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
