Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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