allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
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