Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
