That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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