If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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