If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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