i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He did a backflip because drugs
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
