I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
