I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
