How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Randomize
