I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
People in love make me want to vomit
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
