I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Randomize
