I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
