I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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