she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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