ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
