I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
