You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
