Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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