she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Randomize
