accomplished twins. life is a go
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
