That's when you crack a 10am beer
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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