I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
