you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
