just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
